The silent killer- resentment
Have you felt that deep resentment towards the holidays because it means you’re ON 24/7 without childsupport?
Have you felt that boiling anger towards your partner when you wake up to feed your baby and he just simply sleeps next to you?
Have you felt that resentment when he goes to the office while you have to survive another Groundhog Day at home?
Have you felt that boiling frustration that … “it’s again just ME, me handling it all… me figuring it out…” (when it comes to parenting, birthday parties, school start etc)
Have you felt that resentment towards motherhood in general… that how isolating and overwhelming it can feel?
First of all. Let’s not gaslight ourselves, OK? These things are happening and your frustration is very F valid. We should normalize dads being DADS, partners and not an extra toddler to navigate in the family. We should normalize moms speaking up, sharing their desires, asking for support.
But! Even if your partner IS amazing and really tries to share the load, it can happen that the big chunk is still on your plate. And you feel overwhelmed. And that overwhelm can turn into resentment easily if you don’t balance it out.
Let me share my personal story from this summer.
We chose together not to send the kids to camps since they don’t speak English yet and most of the camps in London are obviously in English (not even talking about the horrendous prices). We therefore chose to kinda bridge the holidays in creative ways: a week of a babysitter, a week of family-holiday, a month at my parents, again a week of babysitter and one week of camp.
The point is that we chose to do this way.
But still.
The toll was high on me. I was either working or with the kids and I hardly had any selftime. I started feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and resentful.
We spent some time separately when I was alone with the kids at my parents. I had thoughts about my husband sleeping however he wants alone without us, having a nice coffee with his colleagues during the day while I’m trying to fight for naptime.
The resentment grew. Silently. Steadily.
Luckily I have the tools to notice what the F is going on and change things up, but I’m also a human so yes this whole journey went through me too. We’ve a great relationship and I shared my feelings with him (quite on time). When I throw my anger on him he was very compassionate and told me what exactly I wanted to hear… That he appreciates what I’ve been doing. That he sees how exhausting it must have been…
And just this VALIDATION from his side eased the resentment.
My resentment came from all the things I thought of… that “again it’s me…again I have to figure this out..he gets the easier side of it…” (I invite you to notice these thoughts and ask yourself whether you WANT to keep them or not)
It makes so much sense that you feel resentment sometimes, even if you don’t always want to admit it.
You give so much of yourself every single day—your energy, your time, your love—yet so often it feels like nobody truly sees how much you’re holding together.
The little things you do, the invisible mental load you carry, the way you anticipate everyone’s needs before they even say them—it can feel endless, and when it goes unnoticed, it’s only natural that a heaviness builds inside.
On top of that, your own wants and needs so often get pushed to the side, almost like you don’t get to matter in the same way anymore. That loss of freedom, that sense of putting yourself last, it can sting deeply.
And then there’s the guilt—you’re supposed to love every second of motherhood, so when resentment shows up, it can make you feel like you’re doing something wrong. But you’re not. Resentment is simply a sign that your needs matter too, that you are human, and that it’s okay to want space, support, and recognition.
You’re not failing—you’re feeling something so many mothers feel, and you deserve compassion, not shame, for it.
Resentment can be a silent killer of your motherhood journey, of your marriage, so watch out what you do with resentment when it shows up.
Do you feel resentful?
Ok. This is the SIGN that you’re fed up, it’s a response to the overwhelm.
What can you do about resentment, so it doesn’t turn into that silent killer?
Recognize it. Don’t feel guilty about it, simply notice that resentment is a sign that some thing(s) need your attention. Don’t try to swallow it and push harder… because that resentment is a beachball you try to push underwater…
RECHARGE! Self-care is not some trendy bubblebath-manicure-BS. It’s truly essential. You’re a human with human needs and when your needs are always put aside, resentment is a natural result. Ask your brain positive questions to get positive, creative answers: What would feel amazing for me now? How could I have some time alone? (for me it’s definetely the school start and my calendar is already filling up the way I want)
Ask yourself “what do I need?” - Time, more support, recognition -> and have an honest conversation with your partner. Communicate your desire with the context of how you’re feeling “I really feel unappraciated now, I would love you to tell me that you see all what I’m doing “
Change perspective (Only if you already explored WHY you feel resentful and did the above 3 steps): You can ease resentment if you change your perspective about that situation: “I hate that it’s always me who has to run after them on the playground” vs “ Thanks God I have two healthy legs and CAN run after them”.. “I hate that it’s always has to be me who puts them down to nap” vs “Thanks God they’re here (not bombed etc) for me to put them to bed”… It’s not about gaslighting yourself or not recognizing your unmet needs, but to ease the resenment in the moment to handle the situation with less frustration.
The sad truth is that motherhood can feel F unappreciated. You can easily feel deeply unappreciated, like all the invisible work you carry doesn’t count because no one sees it. That doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you’re human, and it’s okay to feel hurt, tired, or even resentful when all you want is to be valued for everything you pour into your family.
You aren’t doing anything wrong. You’re just a mama serving her family, doing her best and at least wants to hear a Thank You time to time.
I also want to remind you that You can give yourself the appreciation too. Moreover… that’s the most important recognition. To show yourself selflove, appreciation and really feel proud of yourself for being an amazing mama and doing your best. That also includes prioritising your own needs.
By honoring your own needs and making space for yourself, you remind everyone around you that your well-being matters too. Little by little, when you choose to rest, to ask for help, or to give yourself permission to enjoy something just for you, that heaviness starts to lift.
You don’t have to do it all perfectly—you only have to remember that you are worthy of the same love and care you so freely give to everyone else.
You’re not selfish for doing this—you’re showing your family what it looks like to value yourself, and that’s one of the greatest gifts you can give them.
Don’t let resentment become the silent killer. You deserve to be taken care of and your marriage also deserves to have these open conversations to thrive and grow instead of break under the unspoken resentment. (that’s an other story if your honest communication is not met with the same level of openness and willigness to grow)
There is NOTHING wrong with you if you feel resentment.
But remember that it’s a sign. Act on that sign. Without guilt.
Xx
Eszter